Shakespeare’s Cock

“N’r zxnsl f ymnsl hfqqji f Hfjxfw Hmnumjw yt it ymnx utxy fsi jcuqfns mtb N’aj gjjs kjjqnsl. F qty tk ujtuqj zxj tzyqjyx xzhm fx xthnfq rjinf yt ijrtsxywfyj ymjnw kjjqnslx tk qtsjqnsjxx; gjbnqijwrjsy; ufns. N’aj fqbfdx gjjs flfnsxy ymfy, N its’y qnpj mfansl ujtuqj kjjq xtwwd ktw rj (gjqnjaj ny tw sty) fsi rd kwnjsix fwj ytt ltti ktw ymfy. Ymnx ufxy knaj rtsymx mfaj pnqqji rj, ymtzlm, fsi ymj gwjfpnsl utnsy nx ymjwj. Ny mjqux ymfy N hfs utxy ymnx mjwj, ny lnajx rj xtrj xtwy tk ymjwfud, fx wninhzqtzx fsi htsywnaji fx ymfy xtzsix. Gjnsl fs nsxtrsnfh, N fsfqdxj fqq rd uwtgqjrx-xtrj tk bmnhm N fhpstbqjilj fwj jfxnjw ymfs xtrj. N fr lwfyjkzq. Gzy ymnx nx sty f htrujynynts. N xywzllqj lwjfyqd yt ijfq bnym rd gtym umdxnhfqqd fsi rjsyfqqd nqq rtymjw, bmtr sty tsqd it N qtaj mtbjajw mfx gjjs AJWD ltti yt rj. N’aj qtxy ybt hqtxj wjqfynajx-fs Fzsy bmtr bfx qnpj f Lwfssd fsi f Lwfsiufwjsy bmtr N qnaji bnym ktw ymj knwxy xnc djfwx tk rd qnkj. N bfx ns f wjqfyntsxmnu bnym f kfsyfxynh lnwq, xtrjtsj bmtr N hfs’y hwnynhnxj, sjajwymjqjxx ymnx xfiqd jsiji ts Afqjsynsjx Ifd. Jajs fx N uzy f gwfaj kfhj ts ymfy-ny mfx gjjs fs JCYWJRJQD mfwi unqq yt xbfqqtb, jxujhnfqqd ymj ynrjqnsj ymjxj jajsyx thhzwwji ns. N ini kjjq nsfijvzfyj f qty; N’r f lttkd lnsljw lzd bmt wjfqqd wjfqqd sjjiji f mfnwhzy fsi N xynqq xrnqj ymfy N’aj uzshmji fgtaj rd bjnlmy ns rd qnkj fy qjfxy tshj. Rfdgj tsj fsi f mfqk. Bjqq, xtrjynrjx. Ymfy bfx ymj htshqzxnts tk bmfy bfx fs nshwjingqd inkknhzqy ymwjj rtsymx, fsi kjjqnsl qnpj fstymjw hmfuyjw-xnruqd knqqjw-ns xtrjtsjx qnkj pnsif uzxmji rj ymfy jcywf gny. Ymnx nx f wjhzwwnsl kjjqnsl. Lnajs ymj xywjxx tk ifd yt ifd qnkj, fsi gjnsl ymj hqtbs ymfy jajwdtsj jcujhyx, N ajsy ymnx wfwjqd. Fsi N kjjq lznqyd ktw ymj wfwj ynrj ymfy N it. Rd kwnjsix it sty ijxjwaj ymfy, fx N it sty ijxjwaj ymjr tw fsdtsj jqxj N mfaj gjjs qzhpd yt mfaj ijfq bnym rd gfqqx. Ymj ithytw ymnspx N mfaj gnutqfw, xtrjymnsl bmnhm N htzqis’y hfwj qjxx fgtzy. N ozxy bfsy yt kzhp bnym rd Nsxyflwfr ktqqtbjwx, fsi yduj xtrjymnsl ymfy bnqq lnaj rj f ijlwjj tk wjqjfxj ymfy gjqnjaj rj N’r sjjinsl. Nk fsd tk dtz it rfsflj yt ijhnumjw ymnx, uqjfxj it STY yjqq fsdtsj. N its’y sjji/bfsy ymj xdrufymd. Ozxy ymj hmfshj yt ajsy. Rd kwnjsix, gj ny tw gjxy kwnjsix, hqtxj kwnjsix, kfrnqd tw xtrjtsj jqxj it sty ijxjwaj ymnx. Fsi N’r mfuud N hfs it ymnx mjwj. Yfm c” -The Torah

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Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

F-

“I dun aw ae them in. Absolutely aw ae them. They’re aw deid. No jist the blokes, bit the wummin n the weans tae.”

Just a few weeks ago, in a council estate not so far away…

…I started writing these reviews. Hungover. In my boxers. With nothing but my thoughts and problems. And what a fine old time it’s been. Writing can be therapeutic, you know? Cheaper than a therapist and more easy to come by than Tramadol.

This is the fifth instalment in the series. I hope you have enjoyed thus far.

“Once described as the Mona Lisa of terrible movies by esteemed film critic Connor Keegan, Attack of the Clones is often likened with Citizen Kane in regards to its enduring legacy.” – Sight and Sound

Attack of the Clones is bad. I mean really bad.You know that way people watch The Room? I watch Attack of the Clones. I’m not saying Hayden Christensen and Tommy Wiseau are the same person, but has anyone ever seen them in the same room together? Nope. Didn’t think so. Unlike the previous film we have no finesse and a plot so complex even the most die-hard prequel champions cannot defend. Ewan McGregor may be the saving grace in certain scenes, however even his character comes across as a bit of a cunt at times; unlike the Obi Wan we’ve gotten to know, and will continue to know in Revenge of the Sith. If there’s anything I hate, it’s inconsistency of writing. I’ll do this like I usually do and probably go off on a couple hundred tangents, bringing in other movies that are of no relevance at all. Let’s get to it!

Let’s just start on the writing, shall we? Once again, Wikipedia is your friend here; “In March 2000, just three months before the start of principal photography, Lucas finally completed his rough draft for Episode II.” I think Episode I was similar in this respect, and this is evident. I actually saw this on the special features DVD, if that gets me a pass on the whole Wikipedia thing. A lot of people don’t like him, and I’m hoping to go through his filmography before The Hateful Eight, nonetheless let’s use Quentin Tarantino as an example. Sure, his writing may be flamboyant and overblown, certainly an acquired taste. With this in mind, Tarantino completed his first draft for the soon to be released feature well over a year before principal photography. You know why? Because he’s not daft, and he’s well aware that if he doesn’t have the necessary amount of time to redraft it; it is going to be dreadful. And there is no debate about that. Writing a movie is not easy, especially if one hopes to achieve work of a high quality. Besides, he needs time to refine the customary foot fettish scene. Imagine that guy in a podiatrists? Doesn’t bear thinking about.

If we’re going to take time to dissect the dialogue, then I’m going to need a cup of coffee. Here’s just one example:

 From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again… I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you… I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating… hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me… what can I do? I will do anything you ask. If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.

Hahahahahaha.

And another:

I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.

I’m not known for being crude, but is George Lucas making a joke about Natalie Portman’s vagina here? Disgusting. This might be the most famous example, but it certainly isn’t my favourite. The following exchange between Anakin and Padme before their execution might just be my most watched and loved scene in the entire Star Wars saga:

Anakin: “Don’t be afraid.”

Palme: “I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.”

Anakin: “What are you talking about?”

Palme: “I love you.” 

Anakin: “You love me? I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we’d be forced to live a lie and that it would destroy our lives.” 

Padme: “I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. I truly… deeply… love you and before we die I want you to know.”

If you were here right now, you would say “boy, why do you cry?” Why? Because it’s so fucking funny that’s why. “A tear for every line of retarded dialogue”, I would hopefully retort. The Padme writing is exceptionally bad here. “I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.” Does anyone outside of George Lucas and his ensemble of Yes-Men actually talk like that? The funny thing is, it’s the wooden response that generates the cringe. It’s like a parody. This isn’t real, is it? People talk about Frank Abagnale Jr (the historical figure DiCaprio portrays in Catch Me If You Can) and so many great conmen of the past; surely the fact that Hayden Christiansan got paid for this is the greatest trick in history? Writing should be natural, and I know it isn’t that easy. I couldn’t write a screenplay, I’ll admit that. I’ve tried. No patience. But there are a lot of talented people who can, and some that would have killed to have their name on a Star Wars movie. This really should not have been a problem, and I’m afraid George Lucas, once again, let his ego get in the way.

“I want the deep kind of love, the love Anakin and Padme have, before things went to hell for them, and seeing how much Anakin and Padme love each other shows me what I want to have. And no one should ever give up on love:) It’s worth to love and be hurt than to have no love at all <3” – anikanspadme, Youtube account.

I could just publish the dialogue and nothing else, and it would comfortably be the funniest thing I’ve ever posted. But if you want to see real comedy, let’s look at the Youtube comments on some of the romantic scenes between Anakin and Padme, because I’m a nasty, sociopathic bastard. “No wonder Vader thought Anakin was a different person, after hearing some deep sh%t like that from a loved one and knowing you pretty much caused their death. Cant blame him.” Thanks for that, Thalisan The Tall.  You’ve cracked the code. Lauren Slack is the one who really makes me well up, however:

“The feels, man, the feels. I’ve always loved Anakin, and anyone who says Hayden Christensen didn’t do the character justice is silly in my opinion. I know Anakin goes to the Dark Side, but I refuse to watch Episode Three. I just can’t do it. He will always be that sweet little farm boy from Tattooine who loved a woman enough to go against ideals he had been trained to uphold since he was a little boy. <clears throat> nerd rant is over. . .”

Going against your ideals is one thing, murdering children is another. Lauren sounds like one of those morons who defend mass shooters because they were “sad.”

I could go on about the writing forever, but let’s look at the acting. Ewan McGregor aside, what the fuck is this? Did George Lucas scout for talent at his kids Nativity Play, or more likely, did he see Hayden Christensen and think, “he looks right, I don’t care if he can act, let’s cast him!” He’s so over the top that it’s difficult to concentrate, and this drastically reduces the quality of the film. I get that he’s good looking, but it really cannot be worth the sacrifice of your own credibility, George. The writing (I’m sorry, I can’t stress how bad it is) provides traits to the character of Obi-Wan that Ewan McGregor does his best to salvage. He fails. “I’m going for a drink.” The once careful, quiet Jedi-Master now leaves important fugitive hunting up to his overly horny, untrusted apprentice. Must be an alcoholic. I’m sure some prequel defenders would argue that.

Similar to The Phantom Menace, the film suffers as a result of its own unnecessary complexity. Politics should have had no place in this trilogy, or any instalment in the saga; yet it takes up the majority of screen time. I’m not saying Star Wars is a kids movie, because someone will take contention with that statement and claim something ridiculous like “it’s not, it’s aimed at an adult audience yada yada yada”. With that said, Star Wars is a saga set in space about ancient warriors with substantial, almost magical, powers and who do battle with fucking lightsabers. Now, why would I care about the Trade Confederation? The parallel with Nazi Germany might be interesting, nevertheless it isn’t as successful as it could have been. I hate to repeat myself, but the writing is once again to blame. These films remind me of those kids that I knew in school, who would be fucking clueless yet use complex language and provoke political debate because they watched one episode of Question Time.

Furthermore, and speaking of lightsaber duels, the climatic battle in this film is outright terrible. There is no other way to describe it. Not only is it short(thank fuck for that) , moreover it’s extravagant to the extent that I skip it. I just skip it. “Fuck it, The Phantom Menace took enough brain cells.” At which stage did Yoda, perhaps the most iconic character of the saga, become an athletic, poorly animated bore? Some could argue The Phantom Menace, but this was the true killer. And Revenge of the Sith would only get worse, when Yoda and Palpatine go head to head in which is potentially the second worse lightsaber duel of the series.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Tags

Anakin Skywalker, Darth Maul, Darth Vader, Episode I, Jar-Jar Binks, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Ginn, Star Wars, The Force Awakens, The Phantom Menace

D+

“Here hen, ur you an angel?”

“This is going to be great.”-George Lucas and Steven Spielberg

To be fair to The Phantom Menace, if Star Wars were only to be discussed chronologically, it’s the best of the lot after Attack of the Clones. Then again, that’s only the second film. This is generally considered the point in which George Lucas lost it, and thus ushered in an underwhelming trilogy of shite, to put it mildly. It’s bad at best. I could verbally fuck The Phantom Menace and just like Mike Tyson no one would bat an eye lid. I’ll see if that makes the final edit. (EDIT: It did.) Having said that, it’s not all bad. Darth Maul is a worthy villain with a lovely aesthetic, and the lightsaber duel is probably the best of the prequel trilogy. This was at the stage when duels were treated like battles, and not just backflips. I’m just after reviewing Return of the Jedi though, my longest review to date, so I have been building up to this inevitable moment. I’ve been looking forward to it since I started doing these. First of all, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Jar Jar Binks.

“Mesa called Jar-Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.” 

In what is most certainly the most infamous example of needless garbage, I present to you Jar-Jar Binks. Stumbled upon by mistake-and what a fucking mistake it was-by Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, Jar-Jar is the residential clown of The Phantom Menace. I once used the term “plucky comic relief” to describe Han Solo, and I should actually credit the movie Galaxy Quest for that sublime interpretation. That’s a good movie by the way: Alan Rickman, Tim Allen and the bird from Alien, so give it a watch. I might have been wrong with that term, at least in the context I used it (it might be more applicable to C3PO and R2D2 than Solo) nevertheless at the time it was fine and fitting. Though Han was brave and integral to the plot, he wasn’t engaged in the dramatic happenings like Luke, his orphaned counterpart. At the same time, however, he was no nonsense. He shot first, you know? Han provided comic relief in his nonchalant personality, and chemistry with Chewy; someone who can’t talk, by the way. That’s not easy. Why am I to respect Jar-Jar  as a character when one of the most iconic figures in the series filled a role which was surprisingly similar? I’m slightly wrong there, but Jar-Jars influence in The Phantom Menace is not a million miles away from Han Solo’s in A New Hope.

Hey, at least it gave us the Jakovasaurs episode of South Park. When Trey Parker and Matt Stone take thirty minutes out of their fart joke filled political satire, then you were probably a mistake in the first place.

My primary gripe with Jar-Jar isn’t that he’s not funny (although he isn’t), moreover the fact that he’s positioned as a central, influential character. This guy…

“Master, who the fuck is this cunt?”

Lucas even says as much. The Making of The Phantom Menace documentary, which I’m sure most people have seen by now, provides footage of Lucas and company in the early stages of storyboarding. “Jar-Jar is the key to all of this.” In a way Lucas was right, if he were describing the destruction of his own credibility. If things aren’t mental enough already, it’s often said that Michael Jackson was originally considered for the role. Was Lucas smoking crack back in the day? I can only imagine the conversations with his countless Yes-Men. “George, who should we get to play Jar-Jar?” “Well, I’m a big fan of publicity, as you know. How about the worlds most speculated paedophile?” “By George, you’ve got it! A great idea George!” His preference for prosthetics over CGI however posed a problem for Lucas, and thus the deal fell through. I’ll admit that I got this piece of trivia from Wikipedia, however on following up the source it does seem to be legitimate. NME. Always take what you read on the internet for truth. Besides, are you telling me you wouldn’t believe that?

I must say, and you can skip this, Michael Jackson has always been my favourite artist, and a true genius. I cry every June. And he could move. Would he have been that much worse? A part of me says no, actually.

Darth Jar-Jar. Google that if you have time. It’s what the internets for, after all…

Child actors are known for falling into drug abuse, alcoholism and distain. Hell, a young guy from Power Rangers is now on Death Row. None of this compares to the fate of Jake Lloyd. The Jingle All The Way star proved to be first choice; even after stumbling during his audition. But George liked it. It’s “raw” you see. What’s even better, there is video footage of all of this! Seriously, I should just tell you to stop reading and go and watch that Making Of The Phantom Menace documentary, it speaks for itself. I’m sure Jake Lloyd wasn’t much to blame, it must be said, and he’s handled himself well in various interviews I have watched out of boredom throughout the years. Do you think Marlon Brando would be satisfied with such writing? Here’s the foremost example:

“Are you an angel?…An angel. I’ve heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They live on the moons of Iego, I think. They’re the most beautiful creatures in the universe…I listen to all the traders and star pilots who come through here. I’m a pilot, you know, and someday I’m going to fly away from this place… I’m a person and my name is Anakin.”

As wooden as Jake Lloyd is, I don’t think he could salvage that dialouge with all the ability in the world. And he had none, so it’s a recipe for disaster already. I really wished he came back in The Force Awakens to finally bring balance to the force. Spoiler: he didn’t.

Two and a Half Men is really average without Charlie Sheen. This is an ironic comparison, given Anakin’s eventual fate.

The writing is complex, which is hilarious given the sheer childlike dialogue and subject matter. And I’m talking about every character-not just Jar-Jar and Anakin(who, in his defence, is a child). You have a muddled plot about a coup stretching over three films, with a Sith Lord entering politics and playing every person in the game. It’s like an episode of The Thick of It. All whilst you have fucking Jar-Jar being the worst Charlie Chaplin imposter since Buster Keaton. It’s just erratic, and it’s summed up best by the man himself. “I may have gone a bit far in a few places.” Yes you did George, yes you did.

We all know I had to get to the greatest abortion in all of Star Wars eventually. I’ll introduce this one with another quote, since Anakin says it better than me:

“Master, I’ve heard Master Yoda talking about midi-chlorians and I was wondering… what are midi-chlorians?”

Wow. So Darth Vader is really Jesus Christ? He was a virgin birth? He has the highest count of midi-chlorians that Liam Neeson has ever seen? Why didn’t you say so! This is, nicely put, idiotic. For fuck sake. I mean, Qui-Gon goes on to risk the entire fucking mission because of them, so they must be important. As a viewer, that is just lazy and insulting. Additionally, it brings into question the repetition of the old cliches. This could be something I wrote when I was in Primary Seven, for a creative assignment. Then again, I would have been 12, so I would have been a bit too old to produce that kind of dreck.

When the Sith Lord reads your high midi-chlorian count.

I’m going to take a moment to talk about George Lucas, and say something that may not come across as evident. I love George Lucas. Maybe not love. I really like George Lucas. Sometimes not his work, although American Graffiti was great. I think he’s wrong on a lot of things, but he has balls, and he certainly loves what he does. He may believe in a lot of the wrong things, but cinema is subjective, and I cannot stress that enough. But at the end of the day, I’m a sarky wee bastard with a laptop and he opens himself up for the bombardment of shite one liners and abuse that I work so hard to dish out. With that said, I respect him therefore I hope no one ever interprets this as mindless Lucas bashing.

Accordingly, let’s look at the things I liked in The Phantom Menace. Darth Maul is great, and this highlights the negligence of the storytelling once more. Christopher Lee was Christopher Lee. Ye know? He’s untouchable. But Count Dooku just doesn’t have to exist. He existed purely so George Lucas could have Christopher Lee in a Star Wars film. Had, for example, Maul made it to the opening half an hour of Revenge of The Sith, he could be defeated at the hands of Anakin; demonstrating the rising Jedi’s rapidly increasing ability. Nope. He gets a mediocre death, albeit at the end of what is easily the prequels greatest lightsaber duel.Then again, I think there was more to blame for Attack of the Clones than its omission of Darth Maul. Maul had the iconic look perfect for a Star Wars villain, and he is severely under utilised. Plus, the double sided lightsaber does look fucking cool, doesn’t it? Regardless of how different he could have been, the result was still satisfactory.

Same with Ewan McGregor. I’m Scottish which some could say makes me biased, but fuck the English. I mean, McGregor does well to mimic the traits demonstrated by Alec Guinness. He really does though, and questionable pony tale aside, he does a tremendous job. I was really impressed by him, and he would go onto salvage some awful scenes in the coming movie, Attack of the Clones. God I talk about that a lot. He demonstrated great acting ability in Trainspotting, but as far as introducing him to the wider audience, he certainly couldn’t pick a better outlet than Star Wars. I won’t spend too much time on this, as I really drooled over it in my review of A New Hope, but the score is sublime. Mozart would be jizzing in heaven. Duel of The Fates is actually one of my favourite pieces of music written for the saga, perhaps even ever and it certainly encapsulates the feeling that Star Wars should have.

Overall, the negatives overwhelm the good, and some things are just unforgivable. I realised halfway through writing this that I can be a bit hard on George Lucas. Sure, it’s a failure. With that in mind, it’s not a lazy failure. I think there’s examples of lazy filmmaking, but Lucas really thinks Jar-Jar is funny, he really thinks that this colourful CGI universe is brilliant and that the cheesy romance is heartwarming. It’s not, but he sticks to his convictions, and for that I do admire him. It’s better to have a mediocre filmmaker make shite, passionate art than a tremendous filmmaker make mediocre, lazy art. Sadly for Lucas, though, it gets worse. Attack of the Clones, I’m coming for you!

Cheers.

We can moan about this and that, but if we’re being honest, that’s how you do a fucking poster.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi

Tags

Conclusion, Darth Vader, Episode VI, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Return of The Jedi, Star Wars, The Force Awakens

B

“Gee yersel tae the darkside. It’s the only wiy tae save yer pals.”

I really want to give this a higher grade, I really do. I certainly consider it a classic and a worthy successor to the two masterpieces it follows, nonetheless I have to be truthful when giving constructive criticism and thus a B is as high as I can go. Earnestly a consequence of there being detrimental pacing issues throughout, and I mean ultra-detrimental. If that’s even a term. In all honesty, I’d happily give the entire Luke and Vader drama an A+. That’s arguably the most compelling viewing in the entire saga, at least in my eyes. (EDIT: It is) It’s a climax of the highest quality, and the payoff is certainly worth the movies long run time and doesn’t fall flat once, which is easier said than done. With this said, Ewoks. Fucking Ewoks. I don’t hate them as much as others do, and they certainly aren’t Jar Jar Binks, but they pose an issue that would enrage us intellectuals for decades to come. Yes I just said that. After two exhausting instalments, George Lucas decided that the fanbase would much rather want to see teddy bears fighting the Gestapo-and not something worthwhile-so that’s what he gave us.  Thanks George. (Out of curiosity, is it a hipster thing yet in which it’s cool to like that bastard Binks?) I’ll start with this film’s only glaring hinderance, then take a look at what I love. And I do love it.

It’s pretty well know trivia, but the original title was Revenge of the Jedi. Lucas changed this, citing the reason that “Jedi’s don’t seek revenge.” I think it’s a pretty fucking neat title. Oh, and look at the colour of the respective lightsabers.

The subplot with Han, Leia and the Ewoks is something which frustrates the so called hardcore. I see it, I really do. It certainly frustrates the fuck out of this writer. But I don’t mind them…really. The Ewoks, I mean. They certainly aren’t cute though, like most defences claim. R2 is cute. Warwick Davis is not cute. He was a dick to Ricky Gervias in Extras, in case you want evidence. Apparently hitting a dwarf (in self defence, I must add) is not acceptable. But whatever. The amount of screen time dedicated to them defeating stormtroopers is simply irritating, and as far as affecting the quality of the film; it does so greatly. They would actually work too, for more than a cheap promotional ploy, if they weren’t overused. That’s another problem, and I’m going to feel like that smart bastard in the class that no one likes because of this, but the Ewoks reflected the growing commercialisation of Star Wars. I’m not saying that such a thing didn’t exist before hand, I’m just not that naive. But cards on the table guys, did George Lucas give us the Ewoks because they were the Rebellions answer to Stormtrooper genocide, or did he want us to buy the teddies and McDonalds Happy Meals?

Sometimes less is more, and in the case of the Ewoks this rings true. Lucas would later fall into this trap of over-saturation with the aforementioned Jar Jar Binks in Episode I and we all know how that ended. “Meesa so stupid.” Yes Jar Jar, yes you are. On the other hand, and as cheesy as it sounds, I liked the reversal of the “I know” quote from Empire, with Leia getting to look like a smooth bastard for a change. If you’ve ever saw me watch the finale of The Office (UK, I’m not as keen on the American remake I’m afraid) you’ll know that I’m a sucker for soppy endings and Han and Leia were the accident couple that ended up defining the saga.

Two Ricky Gervias references in the past two paragraphs. Oh my word. In fact I seem to mention him a lot in these things. Why did he make Derek again? Because he loves animals and celebrities. That’s why.

Now onto something better (and more relevant) and discuss the good stuff. I could easily fill this with darkside and lightside puns, but I’m better than that and if you read any review that does do that, then do your eyes a favour and don’t. As far as the original trilogy is concerned, Return of the Jedi has the best opening. Comfortably. Consequently, that results in it being the best opening sequence of any Star Wars film and this includes Hope and Empire. Ok, at forty minutes it might be a bit drawn out, and it made about as much sense as anybody but Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes. There I go again. Notwithstanding this is frankly an awesome opening to any film. Being a proud Scottish lad and an owner of at least the average amount of brain cells, I tend to avoid that word. With this in mind, here it is more than appropriate. It’s special word used only for special occasions. It acts as a way of showing the viewer that Luke isn’t the wee guy who spends his free time at Tosche Station picking up some power converters. He’s now a Jedi. He now picks up babes.

The recently discovered deleted scene (I don’t think it’s too recent, mind you) in which Luke constructs his lightsaber is not universally celebrated, and it’s something I certainly suggest looking up on Youtube right away. As cool as it is, I’m happy it got cut. I mean, it’s all about that split second when our hero is facing certain (and quite prolonged, like 1000 years) death, that Luke gives the now famous fuck you to Jabba The Hutt and reveals his green lightsaber. As I will explain in the caption below, this was done for practical reasons and not financial. Although I had a green lightsaber. Fuck you Lucasfilm. Seriously though,this is quality stuff. With this said, it’s time to get onto the real good stuff about Return of the Jedi. And the stuff that is good is very good.

The word on the street is that Luke’s weapon in this was to be blue, as it was in the previous instalments. In order to contrast with the sky during the scenes on Tatooine, however, Lucas decided to change it to green. It was not, as I originally thought, that Lucas was a fan of the Glasgow Celtic. Damn.

The portion of the film focused on Luke, Vader and Sidious is most certainly unsurpassed, at least with regards to drama. Ian McDiarmid deserves particular praise, he makes the role his own, not as easy task when up against two highly popular and well established characters. He’s also (and obviously) indispensable for creating a stark contrast with Vader, suggesting that “hey, maybe this guy can be a goodie!” He’s that evil, and it works wonders. Depending on who you ask, this could be a collection of the greatest scenes in the saga. It’s just fucking compelling. I mean, there isn’t that moment in which you go “oh my, Luke might turn.” You know why? Because we’re too smart. We don’t allow ourselves to just indulge in what we’re watching. If we did, it would be much easier to appreciate the passages in Return of the Jedi which deserve the mantra of masterpiece, and not just the flower girl to the bride and groom.

Vader finding out he has a daughter works better than it really has any right too, retrospectively. I’ll discuss what I think about that twist later on. When he says “maybe she will” in relation to Leia turning to the darkside, it releases that dormant anger in Luke that we’ve been waiting for since he trained with Yoda in Empire Strikes Back. It’s similar to Gohan in Dragonball Z, you know it’s there but the catalyst to set it off needs to be just right, otherwise the entire effort comes across as fruitless. Additionally, it helps build up drama in any future instalments, demonstrating that even the biggest goodie goodie two shoes in the galaxy can go a bit nuts if his buttons are pushed. Sorry if I seem more indulgent than a Quentin Tarantino movie, I’m trying really hard.

I typed “Luke goes mental” into Google Images and didn’t get the result I had hoped for. Having said that, this is a pretty good gauge for the sheer quality of these scenes.

Ah the twist! Isn’t that an interesting point of discussion. Especially when read in the context of the previous films. I’ve referenced this quite a bit before if you’ve been paying attention. Luke and Leia are twins! Wow, that’s not creepy at all. Oh no wait, it is. In the previous film, when Yoda declares “there is another”, he is most certainly referring to Leia, the other hope for the galaxy should Luke fail. Additionally, at the climax of Empire, it is also hinted that Luke and Leia have a rare connection, which is good for Luke because otherwise he would be fucked. Why then, with knowledge of the revelation at such an early stage, were they so insistent on showing us a rather prolonged snog between the two of them when Luke is reduced in the opening scenes of Empire Strikes Back? What’s worse, when Luke reveals to Leia what should be groundbreaking news, she just shrugs it off like it is nothing. “Somehow I’ve always known.” Incest. Sick, sick bastards. Furthermore, it feels like a twist for the sake of a twist; something Roger Ebert would later refer to as “Keyser Soze syndrome.” I take contention with that theory, however it’s certainly applicable to this example. It feels as if Lucas wanted to top the Vader/Luke revelation in the previous film, and it kind of falls flat. It’s there now, and as stated it certainly enhances the finale when Luke gets the opportunity to just go fucking mental, so ye know, every cloud.

I have to admit, it has certainly written itself into Star Wars folklore and the Luke, Leia and Vader fan fictions out there are more than enough to put even the most vibrant sex pests off masturbating forever.

Yes, even these guys.

I’ve really enjoyed writing these, and I would like to thank everybody who has given them a chance. They might not be eloquent or even decent, but I just hope that everyone can have a little bit of fun. As much as I love them, it’s only Star Wars and it’s there for just that; fun. I might do the prequel trilogy, it depends on how I feel these have been received, but I will most certainly be reviewing The Force Awakens.(EDIT: I don’t want lynched before Christmas, so I’ll do it afterwards.)  Goodbye.

I’ll leave you with this. It’s obvious, but sometimes the obvious is funnier. Right?

“Oh Jack, draw me like on of your Jabba slaves?”

 

Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back

Tags

Empire Strikes Back, Episode V, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan, Princess Leia, Star Wars, The Force Awakens

A+

“Dae it, or dinnae dae it. There is nae try.”

It would have been easy to go with “naw, am yer Dah”, but that’s not how I roll. And I just found a way to include it anyway. Genius, eh?

As my second review in the Star Wars series and the second consecutive A grade, it saddens me to acknowledge that this is as good as it gets. Randy Meeks might have been right when he proclaimed that “sequels suck”, but Empire stands as one of the rare exceptions to this line of thought. Obviously The Godfather, Terminator, Aliens, Toy Story and so on prove that, in fact, sequels do work when dealt with appropriately; however bear with me for a minute. I’m trying to prove a point. Like my previous piece, I’m going to take a rather laid back approach (primarily because I can’t be arsed) and look at a motion picture which is not only one of cinemas greatest sequels, moreover greatest stand alone works. Let’s get crackin’.

It’s no surprise that the original cast reuinites with Hamill, Ford and Fisher playing Skywalker, Solo and Skywalk…Organa respectively. That feeble attempt at making a joke highlights the films enduring hiccup, but we’ll wait until Return of the Jedi for that one. We all know it’s incest! I can’t wait to see Disney trying to explain that one. “She was drunk.” Aye, sure she was J.J. Once again, the trio embark on a mission to bring down the Galactic Empire, this time requiring the help of an eccentric, little green creature with a peculiar speech pattern; all of which consequently manufactures the greatest twist in cinema history.

“I’m a progressive guy, but when ye see a bird nip her own brother tae make ye jealous, well it’s time tae get a taxi.”

If I may go off on a tangent actually, I have a funny little anecdote about this. I once argued with a guy, passionately, in a nightclub toilet (where all great debates take place), in which he insisted that my definition of incest was all wrong and thus proposed that Luke and Leia acting the way they did was nothing less than natural. “I mean, it’s not as if he pumped her mate.” I’ll leave you with that thought and beg for your sympathy as to the quality of my nights out. And if I’ve offended any of you guys out there who happen to fancy your own sister, then I am truly, deeply sorry. I hope she’s worth it.

Firstly, lets look at the unforgettable performance by Harrison Ford in this instalment. Empire Strikes Back established Han Solo’s legacy as the most endearing protagonist in the Star Wars saga, only matched (potentially) by Luke. Personally, fuck Luke, I prefer Han but it really is six and half a dozen. You know how it goes, “I love you”… “I know.” That’s some pretty fucking good writing if I may say so myself. Although it wasn’t written; it was improvised, because George Lucas can’t write for shit, of course. Lawrence Kasdan may have been the official scriptwriter, sure, but let’s not lie about Lucas wanting “I love you too.” It’s a Lucas thing to do…Attack of the Clones *cough*. Solo transitioned from the role of the “plucky comic relief” to a central protagonist, and most importantly the coolest bastard in the galaxy. The space cowboy grew up, and was now roped into the primary romantic subplot. The other one being the aforementioned incestful one between the Skywalker twins. Naturally.

“Here hen, who you callin’ scruffy?”

Clearly, the feature is celebrated as a result of its intense character development and its now famous twist ending. Let’s deal with the former first. Empire Strikes Back introduced arguably the saga’s most referenced and parodied character, coming in the form of a small green guy with a rather strange sentence structure. Obviously, I am referring to Yoda, an ex-Jedi Knight who has been in exile on the planet Dagobah for nearly two decades. Luke leaves his buddies in mortal danger with the hope of learning from the wise master, and completing the training he began with Obi-Wan Kenobi in the previous instalment. I’ve already spoke about Han, and, eh, let’s just talk about the ending already then shall we? Yoda is amazing, and that sums him up appropriately.

The remarkable conclusion of The Empire Strikes Back is one of the most well versed in all of cinema and its legacy is not only influential, moreover indispensable for the development of mainstream film. No one, be they fan or critic, could foresee the moment Darth Vader limps out of the police station, only to reveal that he has been faking cerebral palsy all along. After lighting a cigarette (Mayfair, no less for such a man…robot…thing), he drives away, never to be seen again. The sly bastard.

“The greatest trick Darth Vader ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that; he’s gone.”

In reality, and pish patter aside, Vader divulges that he is indeed the father to the young Jedi; himself the fallen warrior Anakin Skywalker. Dramatic shit, right? Nevertheless, this isn’t the original twist ending in cinema, not by any means and it is important to pay tribute to the films which paved the way. Both The Cabinet of Dr. Calgari, a German expressionist film from the early twenties, and Hitchcock’s Psycho from 1960 act as astute examples as to the previous success of the twist ending in cinema. However with this in mind, the former was released in a period which viewed film as a novelty, and not yet an art form. Likewise, Hitchcock filmed Psycho on very little budget, and did not intend for it to be the box-office hit and timeless classic it would eventually become. Empire, on the other hand, was a major production and the direct sequel to the-then-highest grossing feature film of all time. For the filmmakers to take the risk that they did, they gambled the future of a saga which they could have simply half-arsed. By taking this gamble, they made their franchise immortal.

I like to keep these fairly short, admitably because after awhile I just can’t be fucked any more, but I’ve really enjoyed writing this one. Empire Strikes Back is arguably the most popular instalment in the franchise, and when weighing up all the factors it is no surprise why. Obviously the whole Vader being the father of Luke stuff is great, but Han Solo being a smooth bastard and Carrie Fisher being good to look at make this an instalment that really should not be missed. As sexist as that sounds, it’s not. Leia just doesn’t hit her stride till the third film. And no, I’m not just talking about the gold bikini. I’ll hopefully have time to do Return of the Jedi, as soon as possible. (EDIT: I did) Hope you enjoyed reading.

Peace.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Tags

A New Hope, Darth Vader, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Review, Star Wars, The Force Awakens

A

“Pfft. Yer a wee bit wee tae be a Stormtrooper, are ye no?”

I doubt this will ever be read by anyone aside from my Mother, who is providing a rather half-arsed proof read. Thanks Mum. If I’m wrong, the above quote is a wee (small) bit of Scottish for you.

This was never going to receive anything other than top praise, nevertheless I’m finding it increasingly difficult to write. I love Star Wars. Like, I really love Star Wars. My relationship with Star Wars can be compared only to Ricky Gervais and his unsettling appreciation for animals. (Not as extreme, I don’t want to shag Star Wars) But it begs a question I have never asked myself before; why do I love it? With the release of The Force Awakens crawling ever closer, it’s about time to re-visit one of cinemas crowning achievements. I’ll examine why I enjoy it and tend to be a bit more silly than your usual, repetitive look at the franchise.

A New Hope establishes the principal cast which would endure the original trilogy. Mark Hamill shines as the young, naive Luke Skywalker and we follow him on his exploits through space as he endeavours to rescue the abducted Princess Leia (Fisher). The protagonist of the trilogy, Luke leaves his home planet of Tatooine with hermit Jedi Knight Obi Wan Kenobi (Guinness) and space cowboy Han Solo (Ford). A review should be unprejudiced, and contain almost no bad language; but the term “space cowboy?” I fucking love it. Imagine having that as an occupation? In his tracks Luke encounters Darth Vader, a six foot, heavy breathing adversery whose legacy is cemented in film history like no other. Given Vader’s crucial role in the sequels, let’s pretend he doesn’t exist for the remainder of this review. Effectively, pretend he’s no Luke’s Dah for a minute, will you? Cheers.

Ever come home to see your sister like this? Me neither.

This installment excels on almost every level and does so because it maintains one consistent directive. That is simplicity. The plot is clichéd, yes. You have the poor farm boy, the Princess, and the rebellious anti-hero. Add in an iconic villain with very little dialogue who battles a wise auld geezer and you have a primary seven creative essay. A mediocre one. But it works. The writing, although far from tremendous, doesn’t collapse on itself. Oh no. That won’t come until 2002 in the form of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of The Clones! Stay tuned for that one by the way, it’ll be a hoot.

“I don’t like sand.”

No. I don’t think anyone likes sand anymore, Hayden.

Known primarily for his work with Steven Spielberg, critically acclaimed composer John Williams provides the score and consequently produces one of cinema’s most iconic soundtracks. Yes, the Jaws theme is great. Oh, and Indiana Jones. Harry Potter. Very well, John Williams is alright, we get it. Schindler’s List is massively overrated though, in every regard, so not everyone is perfect. Aye, come at me haters! But his theme for Star Wars is unparalleled and simply imaculate, and will never be duplicated again. The soundtrack goes beyond ingenious writing in that it has that “goose bumps effect”, akin to the Champions League theme on a rainy Parkhead night. Magic that cannot be planned, and can occur only as a result of spontaneity. Even after several hundred viewings-and that is not an exaggeration-one cannot maintain complete composure whilst reading “a long time ago…in a galaxy far far away…”, a sentence which in the coming weeks will thrust thousands of fans into a collective orgasmic explosion.

There is rarely contention regarding the quality of the original trilogy. However the George Lucas revamped edition (1997 and 2004), in which the director sacrifices authentic, comfortable looking effects for modern, tacky ones is the most repeated criticism.  It’s no surprise that Stanley Kubrick would have loved CGI for the altercations he could have made to his previous work and this was documented extensively by his peers. In retrospect, nonetheless, this would certainly diminish the effect of his masterpiece 2001: A Space Odyssey, and if Stanley fucking Kubrick couldn’t pull it off, it’s evident why George Lucas can’t. I mean, who really shot first? Han, obviously. Nevertheless, in an attempt to make the space cowboy look more pathetic than cool, this is now not the case. He was acting in “self-defence.” Earnestly, why did this have to be refashioned? Some changes are demanding to notice, but once you know they’re there, they’re there and there is no unseeing them. This seems like such a minor nitpick,especially when I earlier used the term “orgasmic explosion” to describe my love for the series. Nevertheless they certainly obstruct the re-watch value for hardcode fans. Because, you know, we’re the only ones that matter.

Writing this just under a month (27/11) before the worldwide release of The Force Awakens, one could assume that the overwhelming manifestation of praise is unjust and that like everything, there is a bandwagon effect that will gradually fade. This assumption would be wrong (unless you love Attack of the Clones, in which case fuck you). This movie, and the two direct sequels that follow are that good. For 1977, the special effects hold up well enough, even by contemporary standards. This is evidenced by the climax-the destruction of the Death Star. “Use the Force, Luke.” Iconic, isn’t it? Par for the course for George Lucas and his space opera. Star Wars has written itself into the annals of not only film history, moreover popular culture. It’s more than just a franchise. Star Wars is a phenomenon.

I said I wasn’t going to swear. It just doesn’t read the same otherwise. I’m not sorry. I’m going to do Empire Strikes Back, and then Return of The Jedi. If you liked, give me a like and  a share. If you didn’t like, you sound just like my Mum.

Tah.

Keegan ALWAYS shoots first.

The Hounds of Baskerville, but in Amsterdam.

Tags

Amsterdam, Casualty, Connor F'n Keegan, Cumberbatch, Glasgow, Martin Freeman, Pulp Fiction, Sherlock, Sherlock Holmes, Vincent Vega, Yazoo

Caught up with Martin Freeman the other night as I was walking out of a brightly lit, wee touristy spot in Amsterdam. It was called Vikki’s, and it was frankly smashing. Nevertheless he had tears streaming down his face and looked much less happy than me, therefore I saw it as my duty as his friend to investigate the source of his depression. “Did it all fall apart with Dawn, yeah? Don’t worry about it mate. You know what they say, plenty more fish in the sea. Get back up on that horse buddy.” He smiled, but I could tell that nothing I would say could raise his spirits. With a tear in his eye, he thanked me for my care and affection, all whilst looking rather confused. He knew he had a friend in me. A lad he could trust. “No problem, that’s what mates are for” I replied to the Oscar winning superstar. I offered to buy him a space cake, seeing as we were in Amsterdam and it’s legal; hoping to take his mind over the troublesome heartbreak I can only envision he was going through, nonetheless he wasn’t having it. “Straight edge chief” was his exact words, and I always respect my good friends wishes. “McDonalds it is then!” I figured, everyone loves McDees! And boy was I right.

His spirits were improving, as we gossed about the usual, mundane stuff. I’ll say this for Martin, once he gets going you cannot shut him up! LOL! He kept talking about his buddy Benedict Cumberbatch and I was addled. I thought I was his best pal? Who was this Cumberbatch cunt? This was a turning point in the conversation, and potentially our future  friendship, as it finally manifested itself that I don’t know Martin Freeman. At all. I’ve never known him.

I know Morgan Freeman. Tim Robbins’ good friend, who recently just got out of that place that you get sent for life, and “that’s exactly what they took.” I mean I knew of Martin of course, as my Mum is a massive fan of the BBC series Casualty; the long running, critically acclaimed television series. Who can forget his near Bafta nominated performance as Ricky Beck, an injured civilian back in 1999? Genius. Even back in the day, everyone knew that this boy would grow up to be a star.

He looked confused; a bit less confused than before it must be said and a signifigantly less unhinged than me. Explains his bewilderment when I asked him to waffle on about hope, and how hope, can drive a man insane; or set him free. It remains a mystery as to why I didn’t compute that this Hobbit looking fellow wasn’t black, but I was high, so fuck it.

“I won’t stop till I find the answer. An answer I’m going to have to look deep inside myself to find. I must leave now, friends. Good luck my friends. I am not long for this world, I shall join you in the next.” –John Lennon

Onto my real review however, which will be considerably less compelling and probably a tad more boring. We flew into Amsterdam, and we did it on a plane. After that, we got the train into the city centre, and it was on a train.

Ok, I’ll make it a bit less boring. It’s a fucking laugh. And I can’t be arsed typing. Get a flight and go enjoy yourself, and if you bump into Martin Freeman then make sure you tell him he’s the best Sherlock Holmes ever. He loves that.

Oh, and if you like your chips with mayonnaise, they really do drown it in that shit.

Ambrose Unchained

Tags

Austin, Brock Lesnar, Daniel Bryan, Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Future, John Cena, RAW, Seth Rollins, Stone Cold, Summerslam, Undertaker, Wrestlemania, WWE

A shit pun on a good movie. It’ll get better. I promise.

Watching RAW last night ensured me that the future of mainstream professional wrestling is in good, potentially unstable, hands. A wide array of young talent is on the rise; ranging from cliched enhancement workers to unconventional,but madly over, main eventers. Following on from Summerslam, an event which more than delivered, it was important that Americas biggest promotion put out a statement of intent for its future.

It has become evident that John Cena, the face of the past decade, is slowly on the decline. Injuries have hampered him in past years, and with the occasional absence to film a movie it has become apparent that his time isn’t now, it’s nearly up. Brock Lesnar; a special attraction sure but for how long? Is it truly amiss to think that he will get bored of wrestling, and want to try a new venture? He has done it once before, and he has hinted it time and again. Undertaker has proven his longevity and written himself into the history books as one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time, but with the streak gone, and a pile of injuries only getting bigger, it is only realistic to say that Wrestlemania will need a new, central attraction.

Young talent is needed to ensure the cycle which, although clogged at times, should never stop. It has been a worry, particularly over the past three years, that the company relies too much on imports from the outside, rather than to grow their own talent on a weekly basis on the inside. Most recently, concerns about bringing the Rock and Batista back from Hollywood have highlighted this debate within the community of wrestling fans across the board. Their importance is unrivaled, they add that glint, that passive interest. However akin to Lesnar, how long can that be sustained?

That brings us to the future. RAW presented us with Dean Ambrose taking on his former partner in crime Seth Rollins. Since the split of the Shield, these two have been engulfed in a feud already spanning three special events and have received a wealth of television time. This was only the second time in three months that the former partners officially met in a squared circle however they put on not only an extraordinary show moreover an indispensable one in regards to the fate of the industry. Getting twenty minuets to close out RAW is a rare thing for two young men and at the end of the night they had the crowd enthralled in their every movement.

Giving someone like Ambrose television time is integral. He’s wild. He’s brash. He’s eccentric. And people love it. The only way to allow people to love it however is to love it yourself, and that is the issue. It’s not a bankable gimmick and he does not, for the most part, have a conventional look. Already Ambrose is taking a leave of absence to film a movie, and depending on how his return is handled, it could be make or break for his career. If he returns, how I suspect, to an insanely enormous ovation; then he’s your star. They found him. If not they have wasted a potential goldmine, and they do not come along often in professional wrestling.

Is this the direction the company is taking?

Some people say crowd reaction should not be used to gauge who deserves what in this business; those people are wrong. Example? Daniel Bryan. Daniel Bryan was recently the focus of the biggest show in the companies history, and if not for injury, would have enjoyed a lengthy title reign. He is not the only example to gain success this way. A bald-headed redneck named Stone Cold Steve Austin also had his meteoric rise in a similar fashion. They didn’t necessarily want to put him on top, they HAD to. This isn’t the days of the territories. Those days are gone. Bookers don’t book the shows; fans book the shows.

Last night the fans made it clear what they want. They want to see Dean Ambrose become unhinged. They want to see Seth Rollins continue on his rise to championship gold. They want to see Dolph Ziggler go out there at any position on the card and show the world. Now is the most important time in recent history for professional wrestling. A lot of interest has been put on Roman Reigns, and he’s great. But if all fails, don’t fear, there are plenty of young guys capable of taking up the mantle.

-FJ