Tags
Anakin Skywalker, Darth Maul, Darth Vader, Episode I, Jar-Jar Binks, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Ginn, Star Wars, The Force Awakens, The Phantom Menace
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“Here hen, ur you an angel?”
“This is going to be great.”-George Lucas and Steven Spielberg
To be fair to The Phantom Menace, if Star Wars were only to be discussed chronologically, it’s the best of the lot after Attack of the Clones. Then again, that’s only the second film. This is generally considered the point in which George Lucas lost it, and thus ushered in an underwhelming trilogy of shite, to put it mildly. It’s bad at best. I could verbally fuck The Phantom Menace and just like Mike Tyson no one would bat an eye lid. I’ll see if that makes the final edit. (EDIT: It did.) Having said that, it’s not all bad. Darth Maul is a worthy villain with a lovely aesthetic, and the lightsaber duel is probably the best of the prequel trilogy. This was at the stage when duels were treated like battles, and not just backflips. I’m just after reviewing Return of the Jedi though, my longest review to date, so I have been building up to this inevitable moment. I’ve been looking forward to it since I started doing these. First of all, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Jar Jar Binks.
“Mesa called Jar-Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.”
In what is most certainly the most infamous example of needless garbage, I present to you Jar-Jar Binks. Stumbled upon by mistake-and what a fucking mistake it was-by Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, Jar-Jar is the residential clown of The Phantom Menace. I once used the term “plucky comic relief” to describe Han Solo, and I should actually credit the movie Galaxy Quest for that sublime interpretation. That’s a good movie by the way: Alan Rickman, Tim Allen and the bird from Alien, so give it a watch. I might have been wrong with that term, at least in the context I used it (it might be more applicable to C3PO and R2D2 than Solo) nevertheless at the time it was fine and fitting. Though Han was brave and integral to the plot, he wasn’t engaged in the dramatic happenings like Luke, his orphaned counterpart. At the same time, however, he was no nonsense. He shot first, you know? Han provided comic relief in his nonchalant personality, and chemistry with Chewy; someone who can’t talk, by the way. That’s not easy. Why am I to respect Jar-Jar as a character when one of the most iconic figures in the series filled a role which was surprisingly similar? I’m slightly wrong there, but Jar-Jars influence in The Phantom Menace is not a million miles away from Han Solo’s in A New Hope.
Hey, at least it gave us the Jakovasaurs episode of South Park. When Trey Parker and Matt Stone take thirty minutes out of their fart joke filled political satire, then you were probably a mistake in the first place.
My primary gripe with Jar-Jar isn’t that he’s not funny (although he isn’t), moreover the fact that he’s positioned as a central, influential character. This guy…
Lucas even says as much. The Making of The Phantom Menace documentary, which I’m sure most people have seen by now, provides footage of Lucas and company in the early stages of storyboarding. “Jar-Jar is the key to all of this.” In a way Lucas was right, if he were describing the destruction of his own credibility. If things aren’t mental enough already, it’s often said that Michael Jackson was originally considered for the role. Was Lucas smoking crack back in the day? I can only imagine the conversations with his countless Yes-Men. “George, who should we get to play Jar-Jar?” “Well, I’m a big fan of publicity, as you know. How about the worlds most speculated paedophile?” “By George, you’ve got it! A great idea George!” His preference for prosthetics over CGI however posed a problem for Lucas, and thus the deal fell through. I’ll admit that I got this piece of trivia from Wikipedia, however on following up the source it does seem to be legitimate. NME. Always take what you read on the internet for truth. Besides, are you telling me you wouldn’t believe that?
I must say, and you can skip this, Michael Jackson has always been my favourite artist, and a true genius. I cry every June. And he could move. Would he have been that much worse? A part of me says no, actually.
Child actors are known for falling into drug abuse, alcoholism and distain. Hell, a young guy from Power Rangers is now on Death Row. None of this compares to the fate of Jake Lloyd. The Jingle All The Way star proved to be first choice; even after stumbling during his audition. But George liked it. It’s “raw” you see. What’s even better, there is video footage of all of this! Seriously, I should just tell you to stop reading and go and watch that Making Of The Phantom Menace documentary, it speaks for itself. I’m sure Jake Lloyd wasn’t much to blame, it must be said, and he’s handled himself well in various interviews I have watched out of boredom throughout the years. Do you think Marlon Brando would be satisfied with such writing? Here’s the foremost example:
“Are you an angel?…An angel. I’ve heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They live on the moons of Iego, I think. They’re the most beautiful creatures in the universe…I listen to all the traders and star pilots who come through here. I’m a pilot, you know, and someday I’m going to fly away from this place… I’m a person and my name is Anakin.”
As wooden as Jake Lloyd is, I don’t think he could salvage that dialouge with all the ability in the world. And he had none, so it’s a recipe for disaster already. I really wished he came back in The Force Awakens to finally bring balance to the force. Spoiler: he didn’t.
The writing is complex, which is hilarious given the sheer childlike dialogue and subject matter. And I’m talking about every character-not just Jar-Jar and Anakin(who, in his defence, is a child). You have a muddled plot about a coup stretching over three films, with a Sith Lord entering politics and playing every person in the game. It’s like an episode of The Thick of It. All whilst you have fucking Jar-Jar being the worst Charlie Chaplin imposter since Buster Keaton. It’s just erratic, and it’s summed up best by the man himself. “I may have gone a bit far in a few places.” Yes you did George, yes you did.
We all know I had to get to the greatest abortion in all of Star Wars eventually. I’ll introduce this one with another quote, since Anakin says it better than me:
“Master, I’ve heard Master Yoda talking about midi-chlorians and I was wondering… what are midi-chlorians?”
Wow. So Darth Vader is really Jesus Christ? He was a virgin birth? He has the highest count of midi-chlorians that Liam Neeson has ever seen? Why didn’t you say so! This is, nicely put, idiotic. For fuck sake. I mean, Qui-Gon goes on to risk the entire fucking mission because of them, so they must be important. As a viewer, that is just lazy and insulting. Additionally, it brings into question the repetition of the old cliches. This could be something I wrote when I was in Primary Seven, for a creative assignment. Then again, I would have been 12, so I would have been a bit too old to produce that kind of dreck.
I’m going to take a moment to talk about George Lucas, and say something that may not come across as evident. I love George Lucas. Maybe not love. I really like George Lucas. Sometimes not his work, although American Graffiti was great. I think he’s wrong on a lot of things, but he has balls, and he certainly loves what he does. He may believe in a lot of the wrong things, but cinema is subjective, and I cannot stress that enough. But at the end of the day, I’m a sarky wee bastard with a laptop and he opens himself up for the bombardment of shite one liners and abuse that I work so hard to dish out. With that said, I respect him therefore I hope no one ever interprets this as mindless Lucas bashing.
Accordingly, let’s look at the things I liked in The Phantom Menace. Darth Maul is great, and this highlights the negligence of the storytelling once more. Christopher Lee was Christopher Lee. Ye know? He’s untouchable. But Count Dooku just doesn’t have to exist. He existed purely so George Lucas could have Christopher Lee in a Star Wars film. Had, for example, Maul made it to the opening half an hour of Revenge of The Sith, he could be defeated at the hands of Anakin; demonstrating the rising Jedi’s rapidly increasing ability. Nope. He gets a mediocre death, albeit at the end of what is easily the prequels greatest lightsaber duel.Then again, I think there was more to blame for Attack of the Clones than its omission of Darth Maul. Maul had the iconic look perfect for a Star Wars villain, and he is severely under utilised. Plus, the double sided lightsaber does look fucking cool, doesn’t it? Regardless of how different he could have been, the result was still satisfactory.
Same with Ewan McGregor. I’m Scottish which some could say makes me biased, but fuck the English. I mean, McGregor does well to mimic the traits demonstrated by Alec Guinness. He really does though, and questionable pony tale aside, he does a tremendous job. I was really impressed by him, and he would go onto salvage some awful scenes in the coming movie, Attack of the Clones. God I talk about that a lot. He demonstrated great acting ability in Trainspotting, but as far as introducing him to the wider audience, he certainly couldn’t pick a better outlet than Star Wars. I won’t spend too much time on this, as I really drooled over it in my review of A New Hope, but the score is sublime. Mozart would be jizzing in heaven. Duel of The Fates is actually one of my favourite pieces of music written for the saga, perhaps even ever and it certainly encapsulates the feeling that Star Wars should have.
Overall, the negatives overwhelm the good, and some things are just unforgivable. I realised halfway through writing this that I can be a bit hard on George Lucas. Sure, it’s a failure. With that in mind, it’s not a lazy failure. I think there’s examples of lazy filmmaking, but Lucas really thinks Jar-Jar is funny, he really thinks that this colourful CGI universe is brilliant and that the cheesy romance is heartwarming. It’s not, but he sticks to his convictions, and for that I do admire him. It’s better to have a mediocre filmmaker make shite, passionate art than a tremendous filmmaker make mediocre, lazy art. Sadly for Lucas, though, it gets worse. Attack of the Clones, I’m coming for you!
Cheers.