F-
“I dun aw ae them in. Absolutely aw ae them. They’re aw deid. No jist the blokes, bit the wummin n the weans tae.”
Just a few weeks ago, in a council estate not so far away…
…I started writing these reviews. Hungover. In my boxers. With nothing but my thoughts and problems. And what a fine old time it’s been. Writing can be therapeutic, you know? Cheaper than a therapist and more easy to come by than Tramadol.
This is the fifth instalment in the series. I hope you have enjoyed thus far.
“Once described as the Mona Lisa of terrible movies by esteemed film critic Connor Keegan, Attack of the Clones is often likened with Citizen Kane in regards to its enduring legacy.” – Sight and Sound
Attack of the Clones is bad. I mean really bad.You know that way people watch The Room? I watch Attack of the Clones. I’m not saying Hayden Christensen and Tommy Wiseau are the same person, but has anyone ever seen them in the same room together? Nope. Didn’t think so. Unlike the previous film we have no finesse and a plot so complex even the most die-hard prequel champions cannot defend. Ewan McGregor may be the saving grace in certain scenes, however even his character comes across as a bit of a cunt at times; unlike the Obi Wan we’ve gotten to know, and will continue to know in Revenge of the Sith. If there’s anything I hate, it’s inconsistency of writing. I’ll do this like I usually do and probably go off on a couple hundred tangents, bringing in other movies that are of no relevance at all. Let’s get to it!
Let’s just start on the writing, shall we? Once again, Wikipedia is your friend here; “In March 2000, just three months before the start of principal photography, Lucas finally completed his rough draft for Episode II.” I think Episode I was similar in this respect, and this is evident. I actually saw this on the special features DVD, if that gets me a pass on the whole Wikipedia thing. A lot of people don’t like him, and I’m hoping to go through his filmography before The Hateful Eight, nonetheless let’s use Quentin Tarantino as an example. Sure, his writing may be flamboyant and overblown, certainly an acquired taste. With this in mind, Tarantino completed his first draft for the soon to be released feature well over a year before principal photography. You know why? Because he’s not daft, and he’s well aware that if he doesn’t have the necessary amount of time to redraft it; it is going to be dreadful. And there is no debate about that. Writing a movie is not easy, especially if one hopes to achieve work of a high quality. Besides, he needs time to refine the customary foot fettish scene. Imagine that guy in a podiatrists? Doesn’t bear thinking about.
If we’re going to take time to dissect the dialogue, then I’m going to need a cup of coffee. Here’s just one example:
From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again… I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you… I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating… hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me… what can I do? I will do anything you ask. If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.
Hahahahahaha.
And another:
I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.
I’m not known for being crude, but is George Lucas making a joke about Natalie Portman’s vagina here? Disgusting. This might be the most famous example, but it certainly isn’t my favourite. The following exchange between Anakin and Padme before their execution might just be my most watched and loved scene in the entire Star Wars saga:
Anakin: “Don’t be afraid.”
Palme: “I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.”
Anakin: “What are you talking about?”
Palme: “I love you.”
Anakin: “You love me? I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we’d be forced to live a lie and that it would destroy our lives.”
Padme: “I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. I truly… deeply… love you and before we die I want you to know.”
If you were here right now, you would say “boy, why do you cry?” Why? Because it’s so fucking funny that’s why. “A tear for every line of retarded dialogue”, I would hopefully retort. The Padme writing is exceptionally bad here. “I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.” Does anyone outside of George Lucas and his ensemble of Yes-Men actually talk like that? The funny thing is, it’s the wooden response that generates the cringe. It’s like a parody. This isn’t real, is it? People talk about Frank Abagnale Jr (the historical figure DiCaprio portrays in Catch Me If You Can) and so many great conmen of the past; surely the fact that Hayden Christiansan got paid for this is the greatest trick in history? Writing should be natural, and I know it isn’t that easy. I couldn’t write a screenplay, I’ll admit that. I’ve tried. No patience. But there are a lot of talented people who can, and some that would have killed to have their name on a Star Wars movie. This really should not have been a problem, and I’m afraid George Lucas, once again, let his ego get in the way.
I could just publish the dialogue and nothing else, and it would comfortably be the funniest thing I’ve ever posted. But if you want to see real comedy, let’s look at the Youtube comments on some of the romantic scenes between Anakin and Padme, because I’m a nasty, sociopathic bastard. “No wonder Vader thought Anakin was a different person, after hearing some deep sh%t like that from a loved one and knowing you pretty much caused their death. Cant blame him.” Thanks for that, Thalisan The Tall. You’ve cracked the code. Lauren Slack is the one who really makes me well up, however:
“The feels, man, the feels. I’ve always loved Anakin, and anyone who says Hayden Christensen didn’t do the character justice is silly in my opinion. I know Anakin goes to the Dark Side, but I refuse to watch Episode Three. I just can’t do it. He will always be that sweet little farm boy from Tattooine who loved a woman enough to go against ideals he had been trained to uphold since he was a little boy. <clears throat> nerd rant is over. . .”
Going against your ideals is one thing, murdering children is another. Lauren sounds like one of those morons who defend mass shooters because they were “sad.”
I could go on about the writing forever, but let’s look at the acting. Ewan McGregor aside, what the fuck is this? Did George Lucas scout for talent at his kids Nativity Play, or more likely, did he see Hayden Christensen and think, “he looks right, I don’t care if he can act, let’s cast him!” He’s so over the top that it’s difficult to concentrate, and this drastically reduces the quality of the film. I get that he’s good looking, but it really cannot be worth the sacrifice of your own credibility, George. The writing (I’m sorry, I can’t stress how bad it is) provides traits to the character of Obi-Wan that Ewan McGregor does his best to salvage. He fails. “I’m going for a drink.” The once careful, quiet Jedi-Master now leaves important fugitive hunting up to his overly horny, untrusted apprentice. Must be an alcoholic. I’m sure some prequel defenders would argue that.
Similar to The Phantom Menace, the film suffers as a result of its own unnecessary complexity. Politics should have had no place in this trilogy, or any instalment in the saga; yet it takes up the majority of screen time. I’m not saying Star Wars is a kids movie, because someone will take contention with that statement and claim something ridiculous like “it’s not, it’s aimed at an adult audience yada yada yada”. With that said, Star Wars is a saga set in space about ancient warriors with substantial, almost magical, powers and who do battle with fucking lightsabers. Now, why would I care about the Trade Confederation? The parallel with Nazi Germany might be interesting, nevertheless it isn’t as successful as it could have been. I hate to repeat myself, but the writing is once again to blame. These films remind me of those kids that I knew in school, who would be fucking clueless yet use complex language and provoke political debate because they watched one episode of Question Time.
Furthermore, and speaking of lightsaber duels, the climatic battle in this film is outright terrible. There is no other way to describe it. Not only is it short(thank fuck for that) , moreover it’s extravagant to the extent that I skip it. I just skip it. “Fuck it, The Phantom Menace took enough brain cells.” At which stage did Yoda, perhaps the most iconic character of the saga, become an athletic, poorly animated bore? Some could argue The Phantom Menace, but this was the true killer. And Revenge of the Sith would only get worse, when Yoda and Palpatine go head to head in which is potentially the second worse lightsaber duel of the series.